The Modern Church - A Satire
The needs of the "Modern Church" will but it will take the full cooperation of every member in this nation. By cooperating fully the local congregation would have a minimum of needs; a very simple and plain building with a large TV set... it should also have a baptistery lest the radical brethren feel as though the personal touch is missing. By cooperating thusly the universal church would need but one preacher and one song leader. All would meet at the same appointed time to hear the lesson and be directed in the songs by the two men previously selected to do so via the TV (The local elders would of course be responsible for the assemblies and to see that the TV set is turned on and off at the proper times; the deacons would be responsible to keep the set in good shape). The money thus saved on preaching etc., could be sent... with the rest of the contribution to one appointed treasurer (a deacon under a local eldership), who would pay the preacher and see that the various bills and good works of the church are paid.
With all this money they would be able to build one Old Folks home... this should be in the South where it is warm and would be good for the old folks and all the old folks in the nation would be sent to this home. Then lest the Northerners feel slighted we could build one Orphans Home in the north... the climate would invigorate the young; and send all the Orphans (children without parents... because of death, divorce, separation, or ran away from home or that can't remember where home is) to this home. Such programs would save money as they would do away with duplication in buildings and administrative staffs, etc.
It should be noted that all over twenty-one and under sixty would live and worship where they wanted, except the sick... they would be sent to one hospital (this is a good work). This hospital should be in a central state so it would be equally handy to the old folks and the orphans (?) that may need it; and at the same time would not show favoritism to the North or South.
To further insure the bond of peace, one congregation in the East and one in the West.... each under its own elders, would be sent funds for mission work. Thus no section of the nation would be slighted and the East congregation would send workers to the east and the West congregation would send workers to the west and all mission work would be taken care of, under elders and in a very practical way... again no duplication would occur.
Yes, the modern church needs your full cooperation to carry on the great work of the church. Should any congregation not cooperate and be old fashioned they will be labeled all sorts of mean and unkind things and be mocked, cooperatively by the progressive churches.
Be Modern: Be Progressive: Cooperate!
Truth Magazine VII: 2, pp. 22