Truth Magazine

By Robert E. Speer

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture (training  NKJV; discipline  NASB) and admonition (instruction  NASB) of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4, KJV).

Joshua said, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:15). He did not say his house would serve the Lord if his wife and/ or children did not complain too much about it, or if the family was not too busy. Joshua spoke with the resolve needed by fathers today. He spoke as a spiritual leader of his household, ready and willing to fulfill his duty.

Solomon said, “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov. 22:6). God spoke of Abraham, saying, “I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him” (Gen. 18:19). This is what is said of Abraham, but it falls under the duties of all fathers; it is a large part of what fathers owe their children.

Children do not ask to be born. When one becomes a father, one owes that child much, guiding that child in physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual development (cf. Luke 2:52). When one becomes a father one presents a child with a momentous opportunity to be lost in an eternal hell! Paul listed 21 or 22 things for which those “who refused to have God in their knowledge were worthy of death,” and the list includes being disobedient to parents” (Rom. 1:28-32). Hence, the father owes his child the example, the leadership, the training, the discipline, the instruction which will give the child a decisive opportunity to be saved in an eternal heaven!

Most parents will teach their children such fundamentals as how to dress, how to eat, how to get along with others. They will take the time to teach their children to drive a car. They will choose their secondary school districts and colleges. They may guide them toward their careers. Sadly, most will neglect the spiritual development of their children.

The Christian has no excuse for such neglect. Fathers have both Old and New Testament criterion for teaching their children the ways of the Lord. Under the Old Law parents were to teach their children and grandchildren their history with respect to God (Deut. 4:8-9). The people of God were to accept his statutes, and teach them diligently to their children (Deut. 6:6-7). Paul advised the Colossian fathers, “provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (3:21), and the Ephesians were likewise told, “provoke not your children to wrath” (6:4). On the positive side, fathers are to bring up their children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Fathers owe their children this kind of training, considering them heirs together in the grace of life” (cf. I Pet. 3:7).

Further, fathers do well, by example and word, to teach their children how to be a mate, and how to choose a mate. One’s child will marry a child of God or a child of the devil (cf. Rom. 8:16; Acts 13:10). It is not enough to marry one who claims to be a member of the church”; rather, one needs to marry a true disciple of Christ. Jesus said, “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed” (John 8:31).

It takes time to be a dedicated father, one that is faithful to the Lord and to his child(ren). This task can not rightfully be abdicated nor surrendered to the mother. (The role of mothers is precious, but motherhood is a different role than fatherhood.) Consider the words of Edgar A. Guest in his “Orphans of the Living,” here quoted in part:

We think of orphans only, as little girls and lads,

Who haven’t any mothers, and who haven’t any dads.

But sometimes I look about me, and in sorrow hang my head,

As I look on something sadder than the orphans of the dead.

They’re orphans of the living, left alone to romp and play,

From their fathers and their mothers, by ambition shut away.

They have fathers who are busy, and so weighted down with cares,

That they haven’t time to listen to a little child’s affairs.

Lord, I would not grow so busy that I cannot drop my task,

And answer every question which that child of mine can ask.

Let me never serve ambition here so selfishly, I pray,

That I cannot stop to listen to things my children say.

For whatever cares beset them, let them know I’m standing by;

I don’t want to make them orphans, till the time I come to die.

Fathers, do your duty! Lead your children to heaven; you owe it to them as a God-given responsibility.

Guardian of Truth XLI: 12 p. 20-21
June 19, 1997

By Max Dawson

Fatherhood is in trouble. We cannot sit idly by while another generation of kids grows into adulthood, half of them not knowing what it is like to have a father in the home! It can be seen in almost any community. See how many kids are being raised in father-less homes. By the early part of the next century, half the children in America will be socially deprived as they are raised in homes without fathers. That is the premise of David Blankenhorn’s book, Fatherless America. You do not have to wait until the next century; today, there are many single moms trying to fill in for men who left home. Many teenagers have never met their dads.

A home without a father used to mean a tragedy, like war or an accident, had snatched the father away from his family. Today, fathers are missing from homes because of tragic choices made by men (and women).

What is the root cause of the missing man syndrome? It is the fact that fathers have abdicated their God-given responsibilities. Not only do families suffer because of this, our whole culture suffers. Do not over-look the fact that those men who neglect their responsibilities will also suffer; they are guilty of sin and will face the judgment of God. Our duty and responsibility is to call those men to repentance.

What help is there for failed fathers? What is needed is straight talk from the word of God, not pop psychology. Popular psychology often makes excuses for failures and offers unbiblical solutions. Men need help from heaven, not the boastings of the boys at the bar. Too many men live by a code that is born out of the foolish and arrogant philosophies of their con-temporaries, rather than the objective standard of the word of God.

It is not just the missing father that is the problem. Many fathers fail to be the leaders God intended them to be in the home. Fathers need to take the lead in demonstrating obedience to God. When they do not, is it any wonder that their children do not obey God? Adam, the father of our race, obeyed his own will when he ate of the forbidden fruit (Gen. 3:1-12). Are we surprised when his son, Cain, obeyed his own will in slaying his brother, Abel? Every father must face the fact that his conduct has a powerful impact on his children.

When fathers do not lead in disciplining their children, they often wind up with the kind of boys Eli had (1 Sam. 3:11-13; 2:22-25). Eli’s sons were wicked and vile; they turned out the way they did, in part, because “he did not restrain them.”

The patriarch Jacob exemplifies what can happen when fathers do not teach their children fairness and impartiality; they wind up with the kind of problems Jacob had with his sons (Gen. 37:3-4). He had shown partiality to his son Joseph and, as a result, Joseph’s brothers despised him. These brothers not only sold Joseph into slavery, they lied to their father about the matter. While the brothers are to be faulted for their crimes, we cannot overlook Jacob’s failure. Men rarely see the far-reaching consequences of their actions. Certainly Jacob did not fore-see the results of his partiality.

The cases of failed fatherhood are not all found in the Bible. They are often found in the church. How many Christian fathers today are failing to teach their children the Bible? Where are the Abrahams of our generation? Abraham taught his family the way of God (Gen. 18:19). A generation is being raised today that does not know the word of God. This failure will ex-act a terrible price from both those children and the church. When young people in the church are raised with-out knowledge of the Bible, they wander aimlessly in life and eventually cause the church to wander. For a while, they will rely on traditions and past practices to guide them, but ultimately they will make grievous errors because they do not know the will of God. When controversy arises, they will not know how to deal with it and will be easy prey for false teachers. When decisions have to be made, they will be guided by opinions, not by a “thus saith the Lord.” Failed fathers not only produce faltering families, they are a contributing cause of apostasy in local churches.

There are many more problems created by fathers who abdicate their responsibilities. But, it is not enough to merely point to problems. We must offer solutions. Here are four areas where fathers ought to excel.

A father should be a friend to his family. What does “friend” mean? In our times, we have reduced it to mean “my buddy.” A friend is much more than that. Jesus is the perfect model of what a friend is. (See John 15:12-14.) A friend sacrifices; he is someone you can trust. A friend is a commitment-maker and a vow-keeper. When he talks, he listens and remembers his word, for it is sacred to him.

A father should be a teacher to his family. A father must have a heart that wants to show his family the right way. Again, Jesus is the model (Eph. 4:20-21 ff). A father must live the truth in his own life first, then train and ex-plain  guiding his wife and children. Like Jesus, he must show the way for them to follow. Jesus never asked others to do what he was unwilling to do. A father doesn’t just teach things to his family, he teaches them how to live. The word of God is his standard for teaching his family.

A father should be a protector to his family. Just as Jesus is the protector of the church (Eph. 5:29), so is the father to his family. He protects them from the cold, hunger, and any harm or danger that might befall them (1 Tim. 5:8). A protector esteems highly that which is in his charge. He holds to high principles; he is willing to live and die for those under his protection. That is what Jesus did. That is what real men do. He serves as a defender of his family, shielding them from any enemy.

A father should be a leader to his family. God designed the man to be the leader (Eph. 5:23). The father is the ruler of his family, just as Christ is the ruler of the church. As such, a father must be a benevolent ruler. In his heart is a desire to lead, to provide order, justice, and mercy within the family. The father who is submissive to God leads with a kind and generous spirit. The most significant part of his leadership involves leading his family to serve God. Joshua exemplified that kind of leadership (Josh. 24:15). Joshua not only had the courage to speak for himself, he had the courage to speak for his family. He had confidence that his family would follow his example. He was unwilling to just let his family be thrown to the world to and see how they would do. Joshua provided spiritual leadership for his family. Because he was God’s man, he was God’s leader in his family.

The missing man (addressed in the forepart of this article) fails on each of the above four points. He cannot be a friend, teacher, protector, or leader to his family because he is not there. As God’s people we must hold in high esteem those fathers who fulfill their God-given duties. By contrast, we must regard those fathers who abandon their families as being disobedient to God. In the local church, we must have no toleration of fathers who abdicate their duties. A sure sign of apostasy and departure from the faith is seen when we make excuses for such fathers and refuse to discipline those who leave their families.

Unlawful separations and frivolous divorces are tolerated in too many congregations. We sometimes act as though it is perfectly acceptable with God for one to put a spouse away without the lawful grounds of Matthew 19:9 (“except it be for fornication”), as long as there is no remarriage.

While remarriage would constitute adultery, we must remember the act of unlawful divorce is sin! Where did the idea come from that says, “It is OK to divorce as long as one doesn’t remarry”? It is not OK with God! See Matthew 5:32, Malachi 2:16 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Every passage that talks about a man loving and honoring his wife, being the head of his household, rearing his children in God’s way, and being the spiritual leader and example to his family is violated when he unlawfully divorces his wife! It is time to call fathers and husbands back to God’s pattern for the home. It is time to call unlawful divorce what it is  sin! It is time to call churches back to God’s plan of discipline so that they may scripturally deal with the father who fails to honor his vows.

Fatherhood is in trouble. Kids are growing up without dads in the home. Many fathers are failing. Will we stand idly by and watch it happen? We can do something about it. Will Christian men have the courage to hold one an-other accountable in doing right? What would happen if Christian men went to a brother who is failing and held him responsible for his actions? What if we made it clear that his conduct is intolerable? Would it make a difference? It might. Will we have the strength of character to truly be men of God?

Guardian of Truth XLI: 12 p. 10-11
June 19, 1997

By Rich Gant

My little toddler Betsy has been prompting me lately, by her increasing devotion to me, to take a more careful examination of my attitudes toward the responsibility of fatherhood. Already my stamp of personality is imprinting on her, as it cannot help but do in our baby son, as well. Betsy eats peanut butter because Daddy likes it. She “shaves” her face with her blocks, and wants to “preach” and “lead singing” because Daddy does. She wants to work with her tools, drive her car, and wear glasses because Daddy does. So I find myself looking for guidance from God’s word for help with the important role I have happily accepted, knowing I’m being watched with scrutiny by little brown eyes.

One of the best models we have for fathers is seen in the interaction of the Father with the Son of God. We realize, of course, that there are certain limitations to this model. Namely, that Christ existed eternally with the Father, and that, unlike us, Christ is the perfect son. So, we’ll not learn anything about dealing with “the trouble-some two’s” or “the tyranny of teens” or any topics similar to that. But I do believe there are some vital concepts that we can learn about the proper role of fathers from God’s relationship with his beloved Son.

When we consider the biblical teaching on this subject, the main point is that they had a uniquely intimate relation-ship. We remember 2 Samuel 7:14, when God declared concerning the descendant of David, “I will be a father to him, and he will be a son to me.” The lasting quality of this relationship was announced with power by the resurrection (Rom. 1:3-4). Jesus was ever aware of his special place as the Son. Christ’s use of “Abba, Father” as he communed with God in the garden would have seemed sacrilegious to the Jews of his day (Mark 14:36). Yet Jesus is so confident of his unique relationship with God that he regularly speaks of him as my Father!

Just as the relationship between our heavenly Father and his dear Son is uniquely intimate, so also is the relation-ship between a father and his children. It cannot be fulfilled by some other person, nor is it a relationship that can be handled by “One Minute Managers.” Sometime ago a friend of mine related a problem that had surfaced because his wife was caring for other people’s children in their home. (They were strapped for money and this seemed the only viable answer to their financial woes.) Several of the kids lacked dads in their own homes, so my friend became the closest substitute they could find. They loved him and he genuinely loved them, but the problem was that occasionally he felt the need to demonstrate his special relationship to his own children by taking them with him for some special outing. The other children would usually object and cry out in disappointment. He would try to explain to them the best that he could that, while he loved them, he wasn’t their real daddy. He knew it was necessary to communicate to his own children that their relationship was special! If it meant some momentarily hurt feelings by those who were not his own family, well then so be it. I think he made the right choice. As Christians, we’re often faced with so many opportunities to do good for “all men” that we lack the vision to realize the needs of those closest to us. Indeed, we cannot fail to let our children know daily how special they are to us. If we do fail, we fail to be as God would have us to be.

Another way we fathers can model God’s example in fatherhood is to recognize that the relationship between Christ and his Father is founded upon love (John 3:35; 5:20). If the Father did not love the Son, the cross would be a barbaric bribe to buy off a ruthless god. But it is precisely because the Father loves the Son that they become joint-participants in the price that is paid to God’s sense of justice (Rom. 3:21-31). As they make their way to Mt. Calvary, it is with the same sense of dread that Abraham and Isaac faced Mt. Moriah. For John 3:16 to have any true significance, the love of the Father for the Son must be unmatched by any other relationship! Christ’s death was a sacrifice that the Father made and felt equally  a heartache and anguish born form their deep mutual love.

While I am certain that any father who is reading this article loves his children, let me ask you, how good are you at letting them know it? We men often seem to have been poured into a hard plastic mold of stoicism that keeps us from being as demonstrative with our feelings as we should be, perhaps as a result of our upbringing or our own pride. Sometimes we get tired of trite bumper sticker slogans, but let me ask you sincerely, “Have you hugged your child today?” An older brother helped alleviate a lot of my fears in being a father when he told me, “Whatever you do in correcting your children, make sure that they know it is born out of love for them, and then even your mistakes will be acceptable to them” (cf. 1 Pet. 4:8). Love is more than a word to be spoken  it is an action to be lived.

The reason Jesus can say “yet not what I will, but what Thou wilt” in Mark 14:36 is that he never doubts for a moment his Father’s love for him. The heavenly father did not just dump Jesus here on Planet Earth, but provided for him in every way. He gave him the best of earthly parents in Joseph and Mary, and he provided Jesus with everything necessary both physically and spiritually to live each day as he should. God made sure his beloved Son grew up in an atmosphere of nurturing, surrounded by love, exposure to the Scriptures, the increasing rewards and demands of physical labor and responsibility, and daily bread adequate for his growth. Since such love and provision had been made for Christ throughout his stay upon our planet, He never doubted that what the Father was requesting was indeed necessary. Fathers, if we love our children and provide for them in a similar manner, they will never doubt that our admonitions and instructions are ultimately for their own good.

Finally, we note that Jesus knows his Father in a way that is direct, innate and unmediated. He has a complete knowledge of his Father. None of us this side of heaven can know the Father as well as Jesus knows him (Matt. 11:27; John 3:35; 10:15; 16:15). He knows his Father intimately well and that is why he is so like him (John 1:18, 8:26-29; 12:49-ff). In fact, if we desire to truly know the Father, we must first come to know the Son (John 14:7-ff). In every way possible Jesus is a mirror image of his Father (Heb. 1:3).

Someday your child may be looking into a “mirror” and see your reflection staring back at him. Will he frown and shake his head in disgust or smile and rejoice, thanking God for the earthly father he sent to care for him? Fathers, we must recognize how well our children know us. We need to be genuine and consistent in all that we say and do. God the Father asks nothing of Christ that he himself would be unwilling to do. Jesus can look to his Father and never doubt how he is going to respond in any circumstance. Jesus responds accordingly. Fathers, how are we living? What kind of example are we setting for our children? The brown-eyed child with peanut butter lips will turn out to be a loving, obedient, faithful servant of God  or sadly otherwise  based in large extent upon how closely I model God the Father to her. This may require some sacrifice on my part, some extra effort, some increased self-discipline. But my Betsy is well worth all this  and more.

Guardian of Truth XLI: 12 p. 13-14
June 19, 1997

By Mike Willis

The United States is rapidly becoming a fatherless society. Dan Davenport reported, “In 1960, 5.8 million American kids lived in single-parent families. Today, that number has more than tripled, to an astonishing 18 million. Another figure is equally startling: nearly 40 percent of our children do not live in the same home as their biological father” (Better Homes and Gardens [June 1996], 46).

David Blankenhorn re-ported, “About one-third of all childbirths in the nation now occur outside of marriage. In most of these cases, the place for the father’s name on the birth certificate is simply left blank. In at least two or every three cases of unwed parenthood, father is never legally identified” (Fatherless America 10). Another wrote that “27.1 percent of all American children are born into single-parent homes, a number that is on the rise. In the black community, that figure is an astounding 68 percent” (Critical Issues [I:2], “Family Values,” Web address: http://www.leaderu.com/critical/family.html).

When Dan Quayle called our attention to this issue by commenting on the Murphy Brown sitcom in which the leading character decided to bear a child outside of wedlock, he was soundly attacked by Hollywood. The New York Daily News headline that reported on Quayle’s Murphy Brown speech was titled “Quayle to Murphy Brown: You Tramp!” However, more and more sociologists are reaching the same conclusion  Dan Quayle was right!

The Impact of Fatherless Homes

Enough time has elapsed since the social revolution of the 1960s that sociologists are able to critically analyze the impact of the breakdown of fatherhood on the lives of the children. Here are some of their findings:

 Poverty. “Over half of all children living with a single mother are living in poverty: a rate five to six times that of kids living with two parents.”

 General Health Problems: “An Australian study of over 2,100 adolescents found that teens from disrupted families had more general health problems, were more likely to display signs of emotional problems, and were more like to be sexually active than kids from intact families.”

 Child Abuse: “Child abuse is significantly more likely to occur in single parent homes than in intact families. In a study of 156 victims of child sexual abuse by the U.S. Department of Justice, the majority of the children were found to come from disrupted or single-parent homes. Only 31 percent of the children lived with both natural parents.”

 Crime: “Children from single parent homes are more likely to get involved in crime than those growing up in traditional homes. Robert Rector, a policy analyst for the Heritage Foundation, has found that across the economic spectrum, children from single-parent households are more involved in crimes and drug than kids form two-parent homes. `The most accurate indicator of future delinquency in children is whether they are reared in one or two parent homes’ (Critical Issues [I:2], “Family Values,” Web ad-dress: http://www.leaderu.com/critical/family.html).

These conclusions concur with those of Blankenhorn in his book Fatherless America.

 Violence: “. . . fatherlessness is a primary generator of violence among young men… Surveys of child well-being repeatedly show that children living apart from their fathers are far more likely than other children to be expelled or suspended from school, to display emotional and behavioral problems, to have difficulty getting along with their peers, and to get in trouble with the police” (31). “Boys raised by traditionally masculine fathers generally do not commit crimes. Fatherless boys commit crimes” (30).

 Poverty: “In married-couple homes in the United States in 1992, about 13 percent of all children under the age of six lived in poverty; in single-mother families, about 66 percent of young children lived in poverty  a ratio of 5 to 1” (42).

 Domestic Violence Against Women: “Of all violent crimes against women committed by intimates during this period, about 65 percent were committed by either boy-friends or ex-husbands, compared with 9 percent by husbands” (35). The situation of a divorced woman con-trolling the husband’s right to see his children, a live-in boyfriend (or husband), resentment for the divorce and child support payments, feeling powerless to change it  all of these created a combustible atmosphere that frequently results in violence against women.

 Child Sexual Abuse: “A number of studies have shown that girls living with non-natal fathers [boyfriends and stepfathers] are at higher risk for sexual abuse than girls living with natal fathers” (41). “. . . a young child left alone with mother’s boyfriend experiences substantially elevated risks of abuse” (Idem.).

 Adolescent Child Bearing: Garfinkel and McLanahan’s study of fatherless homes reported that “daughters of single parents are 53 percent more likely to marry as teenagers, 111 percent more likely to have children as teenagers, 164 percent more likely to have a premarital birth, and 92 percent more like to dissolve their own marriages” (46).

 

Messages We Are Sending About Fatherhood

Our culture is sending distinct messages about father-hood in a number of ways. Television portrays fatherhood in a number of ways. Consider the role of fathers as portrayed in the following programs:

*Murphy Brown: The man is only necessary for sperm to conceive a child. After the child has been conceived, the man is not needed or wanted in the life of the mother.

*The Cosby Show: The man is portrayed as a “Father Knows Worst” type of guy, with the brains for knowing how to run the family clearly residing in the mother.

*Archie Bunker: The man is portrayed as an ignorant, prejudiced tyrant over the family.

We are sending the message to our children that divorce is a normal part of life. In divorce, the mother gets the custody of the children, the father sends child support payments and visits on every other week-end, and the divorced mother and father go on happily in their lives. Parents who divorce with hostility are encouraged to learn how to have a happy divorce. Not ever is the message being sent that divorce is not the solution to family problems. Even in the best divorces, both parents remarry and go their separate ways. The father is consumed with the responsibilities of his new family and his children see less and less of him. Within a couple of years, his children will rarely see him.

Restoring the Role of Fatherhood

In the darkness created by the deterioration in the home, Christians have a wonderful opportunity to display the light of the gospel, both in word and by example.

The word of the gospel is that God ordained that children be raised in the home of their natural mother and father. When God created the world, he created the home. Children were to be raised by Adam and Eve, not some state agency, a day-care center, a grandparent or close friend, but by the biological parents who conceived them (Gen. 2:18-25). The home is not a temporary arrangement for sexual gratification that is cast aside when the “new” wears off. Rather, the gospel announces that marriage is a life-time commitment between a man and woman (Rom. 7:1-6). It is to last “until death do us part.” This stable home is the best environment in which to rear children. Christians need to be preaching at every opportunity what God reveals about the home. The darkness of the world around us with reference to the family should cause each of us to preach what God reveals on the home to our friends and neighbors.

We can display the light of the gospel in our own homes. When father and mother love each other, accept their respective roles of husband/father and wife/mother in the home, and bring up God-fearing children, their home will be a refreshing oasis in the midst of troubled homes. Their children will not be troublemakers at school; they will show respect for their teachers and principals. They will learn their lessons and move on into higher education or specialized job training so that they can assume the roles of parents in their own homes. In contrast to the children of broken homes, this family will be an exemplary role model for others. Non-Christians will see the family of Christians and be drawn toward the God of the gospel who revealed how to have Christian homes.

Other messages about manhood emphasize that father-hood is being respectfully discharged so long as the child support payments are paid in a timely fashion and occasionally the father makes time to visit his children. The father is especially good if he is a “Disney World Father,” one who takes his child to an amusement park on week-ends or otherwise buys the children things the mother cannot afford. Can the role of “fatherhood” be satisfied by a man who visits for a few hours every other weekend?

Guardian of Truth XLI: 12 p. 1
June 19, 1997